"You'll have to do a lot better than a photo to prove to me that the Hindenburg really happened. That looks staged."
I can walk into a gun range and get a loaded weapon to shoot at targets in a room full of other people even if I’m clinically depressed and off my meds, but I can’t walk into a gun range and get a loaded weapon to shoot at targets in a room full of other people if I’m perfectly sane but wearing roller skates. Double standard? Decidedly.
The recoil blasts her to Nebraska.
"The cops'll suspect nyet."
Once upon a time a man founded a sandwich shop that specialized in eleven-inch submarine sandwiches. Within days another man stole his idea, added an inch, called it a footlong and drove the first guy out of town.
That man went on to become rapper Too Short.
1. Juggle
What did you expect me to say?
If you can't juggle physical objects, try juggling figuratively.
391-9834-3928-3495-CINCINNATI-TWIG
Only you can prevent overpopulation.
“Why do people hate me? I don’t scavenge on dead flesh because it tastes good; I scavenge because I’m not athletic enough to catch live flesh. Frankly, dead emus taste terrible, but I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have. I’m more gatherer than hunter. And I’m always sad. So, so sad.”
"Papa, will this one fight back?" "No, son."
A lot of professional types have an opinion regarding things you shouldn’t do on your first day of work (e.g. surfing the web, under-dressing or undressing), but we can all agree on the number one thing that leaves a bad impression: microwaving metal. Wise up, sucker.
"Stop! That cat has an artificial knee. Try this one."
1. On their eighth birthday, let them get that tattoo they’ve always wanted, but instead of that tattoo they’ve always wanted cover their legs with a life-sized tattoo of corduroy pants.
2. Watch your virgin kid round third base, only to be sent back to third when their mate sees the corduroy pants tattoo.
3. Watch your virgin kid struggle through college as a growth spurt has left the corduroy pants tattoo looking like an adult wearing an eight-year-old’s pants.
3. For your virgin kid’s wedding, give the gift of a flesh-colored tattoo covering the corduroy pants tattoo. Watch your virgin kid struggle through sex, exclaiming, “This was so worth it.”
Like this except it's corduroy pants.
The days of folks being shy about admitting they met their mate online are over. But fret not, underbelly of America, there are still locations to meet ladies that you should keep to yourself:
"Are you going number one or number two?"