Ryan Stayton

SOMEONE ELSE: If you play a popular rock + roll song backwards and there’s a message… it’s Satanic.

ME: I don’t call that Satanic, I call that brilliant. Do you have any idea how hard it must be to write a musical palindrome? All I’m saying is that if Satan did do that, we should be very concerned.

Musical Genius

My sister got her first period while I was sitting on top of her doing my “Why are you hitting yourself?” routine, which raised a lot of incorrect assumptions for both of us regarding the menstrual cycle.

No matter which way you thought the picture was going, it's not appropriate.

If I have food poisoning, and I’m eaten by a cannibal, will (s)he get food poisoning? Because they say food poisoning isn’t contagious….

She actually just had salmonella.

32-YEAR-OLD: I’m 38.

COMPANION: But you don’t look a day over 34!

32-YEAR-OLD: Thanks!

"I'm 214." "But you don't look a day over 180!" Both die in a car accident.

$1M to the first person to send me a photo of someone parallel parking a Ferrari.

Not a Ferrari

INT. HEALTH CLUB LOCKER ROOM - DAY

SFX: grunts & groans from the showers

MEMBER: Excuse me, but there’s a gentleman pleasuring himself in the showers, and it’s highly offensive.

EMPLOYEE: My apologies, sir. I’ll regulate. (TO SHOWERS) Sir, Biceptional, Inc. showers are a masturbatory-free zone. Please save such workouts for your home gym.

The alleged masturbator wheels his nude self out in his wheelchair.

ALLEGED MASTURBATOR: I was struggling to get out of my chair and into the handicapped shower. Furthermore, I am unable to achieve an erection or an orgasm. You’ve just made a sad man sadder. I’m talking about myself.

Q: What time is it? A: Time to get a waterproof wheelchair.

ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Sure at 11:30 AM on March 7^ththe defendant was building dams for homeless beavers, but where was he at 4PM on March 18? Maybe he was… at 11:30 AM on March 7^th robbing a grandpa! He has a time machine!

The jury gasps.

JURY (IN UNISON): Guilty. So guilty.

Bill and Ted never had alibis.

I saw an air mattress for sale, and the picture on the box showed a guy and girl canoodling on it, implying sex was in the cards. Is this really the message they want to advertise:

BUY THIS AIR MATTRESS SO YOUR FRIENDS CAN COME OVER AND SCREW ON YOUR FLOOR!

Oh. How fun… for them.

"I gave you such a tiny blanket because the blanket isn't what's going to keep you warm."

That guy who referred to the 100 Years War as the 100 Years War ten years into it.

TIME TRAVELLER: How’s it going?

SOLDIER: The truth shall rise heavenly upwards.

TIME TRAVELLER: I have a feeling you’ll win this 100 Years War.

SOLDIER: You mean the one that started ten years ago?

TIME TRAVELLER: Oops.

"Amateur."

Depending on how you punctuate it, the phrase “It’s Raining Men” can either be a timeless disco dance pop barn burner, or with the addition of a comma it can inform males of the current AccuWeather forecast (“It’s raining, men”).

I was watching The Weather Channel today and it said the damnedest thing.

"It's raining, men" is what they'll say on ESPN Weather.