It seems unlikely that any self-respecting scientist would set out to create a death pill, so it’s likely “instant death” was an unintended side effect of cyanide.
INT. LAB – THE DAY CYANIDE WAS INVENTED
SCIENTIST #1: Dr. Ted, did you administer our insomnia pills to the bunnies?
If your kids are kidnapped when they’re ten and aren’t found for 20 years, you better hope they don’t need braces because no way is their captor going to cover orthodontics, and you’ve got to take care of that when they’re a kid.
Kidnapped at a young age, Lil Jon's lone option to conceal his mangled mouth was to bejewel it.
But even worse is that you better hope they aren’t kidnapped mid-braces, because no way are their captors going to have them removed professionally, and there’s no such thing as a competent amateur orthodontist, aka guy with a toolbox and whiskey.
'Open Up and Say... Yeah!' is more like it, Bret Michaels.
Chip and his Sherpa reach the summit of Mount Everest.
CHIP: ZOMG, I did it! And it wasn’t nearly as hard as everyone says it is. I totally could’ve done it without a Sherpa. Wait! Where are you going, Tenzing Norgay? You forgot my bags! And my microwave! And my four mile extension cord!
Not to be racist, but white people who climb Everest aren't 10% as badass as Sherpas.
HOSTAGE TAKER: I won’t release the hostages until you hand over a thesaurus, a year’s subscription to Men’s Journal and a free tuxedo rental so I can look nice for my parole officer next week.
NEGOTIATOR: We don’t nego–wait, that’s all you want? Sure, we’ll negotiate.
HOSTAGE TAKER: Oh, and a… dang it, what’s another word for goldfish bowl? Can I get that thesaurus first?
I saw an ad featuring a winter Olympics skier that said, “My goal is to be first to the bottom of the hill,” and I had to laugh because there are only two people who could get away with such a comment:
A winter Olympics athlete
A mentally disabled child who’s not standing on a hill.
Gold medal winner in building contraptions that are relevant every two years for two weeks.
