DEAD SUICIDE BOMBER: ZOMG, I made it to the afterlife! Now where are my 72 virgins? And what are these 72 dead popes doing here? Wait… ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, nooooooooooooooo!
Virgin
UNDERCOVER COP: Freeze, poli—
SFX: BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!
UNDERCOVER COP: I should’ve been a pummel horse coach.
"You're paranoid, Clint. Your mustache doesn't need to match your hair. Now go get that cartel!"
COP (TO ROBBER): Stop or I’ll stab!
SFX: BANG!
COP [BLEEDING TO DEATH]: I should’ve been a field hockey coach.
Gun > Knife
Remember when some scientists flew a helicopter over a colony of tribal folk in the Amazon who previously had no contact with the modern world? And who ran out and threw spears at the flying monster?
Yes, you do remember.
Did we follow-up with them and let them in on modern technology, or was that ultimately a social-experiment-turned-prank?
AMAZONIAN #1: What the [Amazonian expletive] was that?
AMAZONIAN #2: I don’t know, but get over here and help me juice these rocks. Their magic secretions contain the only elixir that may but probably won’t cure your wife’s death pain.
AMAZONIAN #1: I hate that our life expectancy is 22! If only someone would bring us more modern technology!
On the moon you won’t need to wear belts, because in zero gravity your pants won’t fall down.
Space wrestlers wrestle for intergalactic wrestling champion cuff links.
OTHER MAN: Is that the same dirty outfit you had on yesterday?
MAN WHO OWNS 1 OUTFIT, 1 WASHER & 1 DRYER: No.
At least it's clean.
INT. MY BEDROOM, LOS ANGELES – NIGHT
I’m in bed dozing off.
ME: Did I set the house alarm? Dangitalltoheck, I forgot! But… it’s just one night. Surely—
I remember Charles Manson happened here.
ALARM: Perimeter armed.
Sophie’s Choice II: Pepsi, The Choice of the New Generation
Soundtrack by Marilyn Manson
[TORNADO SIRENS]
PRINCIPAL: Children, hurry to the tunnels under the school!
The children hurry to the tunnels under the school, where they find janitor Jumbo lounging on a cot watching the MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour. Also, he’s in the nude and has androgynous genitals.
JANITOR JUMBO: Y’all come to party?
Needless to say, what they learned that day didn't involve trigonometry.
CALLER: 9-1-1, help! My wife’s been stabbed! I can’t feel a pulse!
9-1-1 OPERATOR: What is your location?
CALLER: Oh, hey. You sound cute. Listen, I know my wife just got knifed, but that does make me available. What time do you get off?
"What about your dying wife?" "Who?"