People shouldn’t make fun of fanny packs. Especially since it’s the only way I can conceal my unlicensed, unregistered gun.
BULLY: Ha ha, nice fanny p—
[BANG! BULLY DIES]
FANNY PACKER: Thanks. It is nice.
Fanny packin'.
No, Chuck doesn't keep lip balm in his fanny.
People shouldn’t make fun of fanny packs. Especially since it’s the only way I can tote my insulin.
Model Victor shows off his diabetes.
What: Founding the internet web site www.blindpeoplestumbling.com
What it Makes You: Reprehensible
It lasts 24 hours, but I should gargle it how often, Listerine?
It's like a Ponzi scheme but for mouthwash.
CORPORAL ERNST: Yes, commandant, of course I’ll escort the Berensteins to the showers. They are dirty? Oh, those showers. They are spies? Nein? They kill our soldiers? Nein? Because they’re [SPIT TAKE] wha-wha-what??? Har har, the commandant makes joke. Nein? But Commandant von Scheitzel, Ernst just join army to pay for community college degree in accounting. Some of my best friends are—I mean, one shower coming right up!
I slept in an airport recently, and my comic relief was watching the night janitor try to find outlets so he could vacuum the terminal. Each outlet was 75 feet away, while his vacuum cord was a mere 30 feet.
"There's another outlet in Gate W."
If you want to win a war (and global support), make your POW camps lavish, tropical resorts. Captured soldiers will rave about them (via Twitter), making other soldiers want to be captured.
Of course, POW movies would be less like Bridge Over the River Kwai and more like a National Lampoon’s spring break flick, but at least your kooky brand of Communism would retain its foothold in your little corner of the world.
Hanoi Hilton circa 2009
MOM: It past midnight, Urg!
URG: Prove it.
MOM: You not grounded. Again.
Tells time from 6:14 AM until 7:38 PM.
The Life Alert commercials are back, but they no longer feature the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” lady, which isn’t a great sales pitch because there aren’t many reasons why she wouldn’t be around for the sequel.
“I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP” LADY: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Hello? Hello??? Oh, dear, I’ve fallen and I forgot to replace the batteries in my Life Alert.”
[DIES LATE THE NEXT DAY; HER BODY IS FOUND THREE WEEKS LATER]
Alternate Ending #1
[THE “I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP” LADY VIOLENTLY FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS, HURLING HER LIFE ALERT BUTTON OUT OF REACH; SHE DIES LATE THE NEXT DAY]
Alternate Ending #2
[THE “I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP” LADY TAKES A VIOLENT FALL DOWN THE STAIRS, KILLING HER INSTANTLY]
An area dog walker was in a horrific car accident that killed all 17 dogs, forcing him to go door-to-door informing each dog’s owner of their pet’s untimely demise.
HOUSE #1
TED: I’m so sorry, Mr. Ferris. Speck is dead.
MR. FERRIS: Noooooooooooooooo!
[THEY CRY TOGETHER, REMINISCING ABOUT SPECK FOR ONE HOUR AND 20 MINUTES]
HOUSE #2
TED: I have bad news, Mrs. Walker: Fuzzles is dead.
MRS. WALKER: There is no God!
[THEY CRY TOGETHER, REMINISCING ABOUT FUZZLES FOR ONE HOUR AND 70 MINUTES]
HOUSE #11, 6.5 HOURS LATER
TED: Dog’s dead.
OWNER: Who?
TED: I gotta go. Lots more houses to hit.
Only the tall survived.