A bill proposal in California would legalize gambling against horses. As a champion of the state of California, I’m swinging my support their way by starting a new business called Ryan Stayton’s Horse Assassinations, whereby my clients bet on a horse to lose and I assassinate the horse mid-race, making it the loser and them (and the state of California) the winner.
Sure that horsey looks like it's a sure thing to win, but accept no immitations: the only sure thing in horse racing is Ryan Stayton's Horse Assassinations.
China is in the midst of a 9 day, 100 km traffic jam.
CHINESE URBAN PLANNER: I told you the Great Wall needed a gate.
China: not quite the world superpower we feared.
Also against drunk driving: dads.
Not helping mothers form groups against Attention Defecit Disorder.
If we ever have Thanksgiving dinner with Sir Anthony Hopkins (among others), and we play charades, I get to be on Tony’s team. That guy could act the hell out of Mr. Mom.
"Book! Two words! Absalom, Absalom! YES!!!"
I can walk into a gun range and get a loaded weapon to shoot at targets in a room full of other people even if I’m clinically depressed and off my meds, but I can’t walk into a gun range and get a loaded weapon to shoot at targets in a room full of other people if I’m perfectly sane but wearing roller skates. Double standard? Decidedly.
The recoil blasts her to Nebraska.
“Why do people hate me? I don’t scavenge on dead flesh because it tastes good; I scavenge because I’m not athletic enough to catch live flesh. Frankly, dead emus taste terrible, but I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have. I’m more gatherer than hunter. And I’m always sad. So, so sad.”
"Papa, will this one fight back?" "No, son."
A lot of professional types have an opinion regarding things you shouldn’t do on your first day of work (e.g. surfing the web, under-dressing or undressing), but we can all agree on the number one thing that leaves a bad impression: microwaving metal. Wise up, sucker.
"Stop! That cat has an artificial knee. Try this one."
After responding to an accident between a minivan and a hearse, I spent 12 minutes giving mouth-to-mouth to a grandpa who had been dead for three days.
"He's dead." "I know." "Since Tuesday."
There’s a good reason you never see an old, near death person getting a massage.
MASSEUSE: Release yourself. Go to a peaceful place.
OLD, NEAR DEATH PERSON: To the light?
MASSEUSE: It’s quite possible there’s a light in your peaceful place.
OLD, NEAR DEATH PERSON dies.
MASSEUSE (CONT’D): Wait, no!
"She died peacefully. I mean really, really peacefully."
Do you ever see a missing persons flier, and you don’t even look at it because, “There’s a hell of a lot of people on the planet, and chances are….” You’re the worst person on the planet. That says, “I’m willing to risk the life of that 4 year old… so I can get my Fruit Loops six seconds sooner.”
She's so cute. The contraction stands for "she was" instead of "she is" because of you.
