A bill proposal in California would legalize gambling against horses. As a champion of the state of California, I’m swinging my support their way by starting a new business called Ryan Stayton’s Horse Assassinations, whereby my clients bet on a horse to lose and I assassinate the horse mid-race, making it the loser and them (and the state of California) the winner.
Sure that horsey looks like it's a sure thing to win, but accept no immitations: the only sure thing in horse racing is Ryan Stayton's Horse Assassinations.
Why do prisons give prisoners time to get fit? Aren’t we arming them to come back and kick society’s hindquarters? And live longer, i.e. commit more crimes?
PRISONER: When I get out of here I’ll get my revenge on society.
GUARD: Prisoner, it’s time for you to lift weights!
You should see the guy I framed for robbing the Taco Hut. I wouldn’t frame that guy again unless I thought it’d get him put away for life.
"I'll make that squealer squeal... IN AGONY!"
China is in the midst of a 9 day, 100 km traffic jam.
CHINESE URBAN PLANNER: I told you the Great Wall needed a gate.
China: not quite the world superpower we feared.
Native Americans wouldn’t have done all that dancing for rain if they knew what was really coming. They probably wouldn’t have done much dancing at all.
"Do we have one of these dances that will kill the white man?"
I know people who are on unemployment but own iPhones.
If you're on unemployment but own an iPhone, you're definitely a hipster.
Do 9-1-1 operators struggle with the fact that they get no call closure? They hear so many life and death situations but never find out if they ended in life or death. It’s like watching the first 45 minutes of Law & Order and being forced to turn it off before it ends.
INT. HOME - ONE WEEK LATER
HEART ATTACK VICTIM’S NEXT OF KIN: Hello.
9-1-1 OPERATOR: Say… did the woman who had that heart attack last week turn out okay?
HEART ATTACK VICTIM’S NEXT OF KIN: Sorry, I have to go. We’re reading her will.
Maybe the train hit her. Maybe it didn't. Real life: less predictable than Hollywood.
Visine eyeball drops are pricey, so instead of toting saline solution on my person, I carry around an onion and a knife, and when I need eye drops I start slicing and continue dicing until sufficiently teared up.
"Maybe it's the lint on my retina, or maybe this is such a good idea these are tears of joy."
Also against drunk driving: dads.
Not helping mothers form groups against Attention Defecit Disorder.
Why don’t you ever see an animal hospital next door to a pet cemetary? Because though it would be dynamite business for the cemetary, it would kill business at the hospital. Yes, kill.
Pet cemeteries: appropriate, sentimental and never not creepy.
If we ever have Thanksgiving dinner with Sir Anthony Hopkins (among others), and we play charades, I get to be on Tony’s team. That guy could act the hell out of Mr. Mom.
"Book! Two words! Absalom, Absalom! YES!!!"
