Ryan Stayton

whilst ladies of implanted, non-genetic endowment whet area gentlemen’s whistles:

“It’s like watching the trailer for Up.”

HUSBAND: Don’t these pants look great on me?

WIFE: They’re assless chaps.

HUSBAND: I know, but I’ll have them tailored.

Unrelated to ChapStick.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been privy to flatulence that smells like McDonald’s French fries. Keep it up if you’ve since eaten McDonald’s French fries. If your hand’s still up: wise up. Sucka. And put your hand down; other library patrons are staring.

Authentic French teens.

MASKED KIDNAPPER: You have to choose whether I kill your aunt or your cous–

YOU: Cousin.

COUSIN: Me? With no hesitation?

YOU: Umm….

MASKED KIDNAPPER: On second thought, I’m going to let you all live so I can watch you talk about this. Hopefully you get each other in this year’s family Secret Santa.

COUSIN: Wait… dad?

UNMASKED KIDNAPPER: Busted.

Your cousin's dad.

I think hell is actually spending an eternity as a prop in heaven, because I don’t want any part of a heaven that doesn’t have personal slaves.

Also, there are slaves.

It seems unlikely that any self-respecting scientist would set out to create a death pill, so it’s likely “instant death” was an unintended side effect of cyanide.

INT. LAB – THE DAY CYANIDE WAS INVENTED

SCIENTIST #1: Dr. Ted, did you administer our insomnia pills to the bunnies?

SCIENTIST #2: Yes.

SCIENTIST #1: Are they still awake?

SCIENTIST #2: Well, technically no….

SCIENTIST #1: Eureka!

"I never knew sleep could hurt."

If your kids are kidnapped when they’re ten and aren’t found for 20 years, you better hope they don’t need braces because no way is their captor going to cover orthodontics, and you’ve got to take care of that when they’re a kid.

Kidnapped at a young age, Lil Jon's lone option to conceal his mangled mouth was to bejewel it.

But even worse is that you better hope they aren’t kidnapped mid-braces, because no way are their captors going to have them removed professionally, and there’s no such thing as a competent amateur orthodontist, aka guy with a toolbox and whiskey.

'Open Up and Say... Yeah!' is more like it, Bret Michaels.

Q: What percentage of lottery winners buy their wives nicer wedding rings?

Not a hint.

You wouldn’t buy this ring for someone named Bartholomette.

A: 100%, because they all “buy” foxier wives.

Q: If you’re inevitably and indefinitely going to get hit by a car, what kind of car do you want to get hit by?

Hint: wrong answer.

A: An ambulance. Maybe they can save your life, and the driver of a Yugo will just put the “run” in “hit and run.”

Half credit: a car made entirely of marshmallow.

Chip and his Sherpa reach the summit of Mount Everest.

CHIP: ZOMG, I did it! And it wasn’t nearly as hard as everyone says it is. I totally could’ve done it without a Sherpa. Wait! Where are you going, Tenzing Norgay? You forgot my bags! And my microwave! And my four mile extension cord!

Not to be racist, but white people who climb Everest aren't 10% as badass as Sherpas.